New Clothes New Me

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I am cleaning out my closet, going through my wardrobe one piece at a time, filling garbage bags with clothes that no longer fit. Oh it’s not because the size is wrong, rather because these clothes no longer fit who I am. They are nice clothes, yet I find that I cannot wear them any more. Ten years, even twenty years old, these clothes represent a different time, a time before my daughter Kristi died. I am not that person any more and though I am still not sure who I am now, I know in my heart I am different, changed somehow by the events in my life over the last ten years.

I am buying new clothes now, something I haven’t done in a long while. I find myself searching, searching for something, not quite sure what, that will be in tune with who I am.

When I wrote my book I’ll Meet You at the Base of the Mountain I would cry as I recorded my deepest thoughts, grief and angst. Cry again each time I re-read my words, tweaking and editing them over and over until they were just right, until they wholly described all that I felt.

“It is important you get them out Donna, all your emotions and memories.” My guides would tell me. “For soon you will forget them, these words will not resonate with you any more and your only recollection will be in your written words.”

“How could I possibly do that?” I ask. “These memories are a part of me; they make up who I am.”

Now though, now that the book is finished, I can read my words without crying for the first time. Perhaps they were right; by pouring my grief into my book it is finally released.

So here I am, having completed that chapter of my life, releasing the last vestiges of it in my closet. I realize one can’t go back, only move forward. One by one, I discard that which no longer fits, shedding my old layers much as a snake sheds its skin. Not sure what the new skin looks like yet confident it will be good.

I buy a new dress today. It has colors in it – a far cry from the black that has been my customary choice for so many years. The dress is sassy, I think, outspoken and bold. I am ready for sassy.

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